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User talk:Dynamic Nightmare Fuel
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the User talk:EmpyrealInvective page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 14:12, June 24, 2016 (UTC) Re: I can look at it when I get some free time. I'd need the original title of the story and the revised copy sent to me in a pastebin link. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:45, June 24, 2016 (UTC) :Unfortunately there are a lot of issues here. I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn down this appeal for the sheer amount of spelling wording, and story issues present throughout. These are only a few of the problems that were present in the story that result in it being below quality standards. :There are a massive amount of spelling errors. "we all heard banging on a matenince (maintenance) door about 300ft from us.", "I immediately (immediately) called Roger and told him to go on the news.", "It was disguisting. (disgusting)", "The convorsation (conversation) went like this", " Wow... Fiesty! (Feisty)", etc. There are at least a dozen other spelling issues here. :Wording issues: "A year past (passed) and I found out that another man had died in the pool.", "The park was played (laid) to waste because of 20 deaths that happened since the first incident.", "Because, I was the first to die on in.", "Two years later, I'm (I'm) 16 now and they have reopened the Orange Pool, calling it the Orange Pool 360", etc. There are a lot of other issues of awkward wording, typos, and homophone issues. I would suggest proof-reading your next story. :Story issues: "The figure looked like slenderman but no suit and tie." The comparison to Slenderman really doesn't strengthen the story at all and limits description. What made the Poolman similar to Slenderman? Be descriptive. As a lot of your story is lacking description and build-up, it comes off as anti-climactic and un-interesting. "I shoot 15 times. Poolman lets out a scream then I walk up. ... I shoot three times in his head. Poolman drops dead." This is the conclusion of the story, but it feels like little happened began the scene has no build-up or real tension. (Why didn't the police shoot him when they were investigating a year ago? Why exactly did the drop the investigation in the first place? They have video evidence of a murder being committed and they don't do anything about it.) :Story issues cont.: The story feels very rushed and glosses over some pretty large events. "A few more years past and now I was 10, I got a mysterious note that said to watch my back. I got a little freaked out by it but didn't tell my parents about it." If the protagonist feels scared, why is he not telling his parents. Why isn't he telling anyone for that matter? "Me and Roger got into the car and floored it the whole way home. The next day on the news, there was a story talking about a 13 year old going missing, last seen last night." Their friend has just been abducted by a creature and they wait a day to call 911. Why? :Story issues cont.: "Four officers fled the room throwing up. Two officers passed out. I knew this was some sort of joke or a real life snuff film." Yet a teenager is able to watch his best friend being disemboweled and eaten without any issues? Additionally why did the police bring them to the crime scene and show them evidence? It breaks a lot of police protocol and jeopardizes the investigation. For all they know, the protagonist and his friend could have killed their friend and told an outlandish story to cover it up. Bringing them to an active crime scene makes no sense. :Story issues end: "When I was 13, I asked Roger and another one of my friends, Joseph, if they wanted to go explore the water park again." Why are they going back again? They lost one of their friends and saw him being brutally eaten. What reason could they possibly have to go back and risk losing another friend? It makes little sense and is a massive plot issue. Also where are the police during all of this? They have evidence that a child has been murdered and they haven't really done anything to catch the killer or prevent people from entering the park. It needs a lot of explanation. :I'm sorry, but there are a lot of issues here and what I just covered are only a few. The story doesn't meet quality standards so the appeal is being turned down. I suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop as there are a lot of problems here that were overlooked. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:58, June 30, 2016 (UTC)